Haunted

*Sexual abuse content – trigger warning*

I wonder if I think of my abuser more than he thinks of me?  I bet I do.  I can’t help it.  These stupid body memories resurface and it’s as though he is still in the room.  Still on top of me.  Still hovering.  Still breathing.  Still grabbing my ass and biding his time until his parents left to play cards.  Just waiting until he could chase me upstairs.

My therapist tells me that controllers don’t think about their past victims.  That he’s focused on whoever he’s controlling now… his wife, probably.  That I am just someone in his memory that probably provokes anger if he thinks about me at all.  I’m sure she’s right.  I’m sure he feels like I wronged him somehow.  After all, everything was always my fault when we were together.  It wouldn’t be any different now.  And the few times he ever spoke about any of his past girlfriends it was never nice.  Even at the age of 17 he held a grudge.  I’m sure I’m just the dumb cunt that he used to date.

I wish I didn’t feel like such a dumb cunt.  Damn it.  Why am I haunted by this?  Why can’t I focus on my life as it is now?  I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend.  He is respectful, he’s careful, he listens, and he wants me to be happy.  This broken brain of mine should focus on THAT.